Today will be shiny, by gods, if I have to find a halogen light and cram it up my ass.

Those of you who just actually considered the logistics of that, you are perverts.

Mah PEEPS! I luff you!

I feel like my life has been drifting ever since I left McLean. I don't know how to change that. I get to the end of the week and think "Wait. What the hell was -that-?"

The fact that I can document how disconnected and anxious I feel isn't making me happy. In fact, it's making me consider talking to a therapist again, except that, honest to gods, I am HAPPY. Everyone has different moods, and I've been in that depression place, and I am NOT there. I'm not deluding myself- I am simply NOT there. I'm not manic. I just seem to be on an extended break from people who I find hard to deal with, which happens to include much of the rest of the world.

The anxiety is the part that really worries me the most, because conflict with others seems to spark it, and I know that's a big factor in social anxiety. (I mean, duh.) I'm sure that's what I'm dealing with. I'm also certain that I won't take Paxil, Wellbutrin, or Prozac. Frankly, I'd rather pop a Xanax once in awhile than take something all the time, even with my narcotic phobia.

I don't know what to do. I don't like feeling disconnected, but connecting involves other people, and that makes the desire to hide much stronger. At least I'm fairly sure that this is a chemical issue rather than a mental anguish alert, and can proceed from that point.

December 2015



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