I really dislike that I have become the kind of person who is so paralyzed with fear over making the wrong decision that they never make any decisions at all.

But it doesn't change that I am kind of terrified to move forward right now.
Is it sad that when I was getting dressed I pulled out a bra and then immediately put it back, thinking, "Nah, let's not get too extreme today?"

You don't have to answer that.

I would very much like to NOT lie awake till 4 in the morning while my brain does the superfastswirlycan'tutrnoff thing anymore. 'kay?
So you know what happens when I don't take my Crazy-B-Gone for a day and a half?

I come home and settle in to read Mason-Dixon Knitting.  I curl up happily in the coziest couch corner, and make it about 4 pages before I burst into tears. 

So I'll go take my pill and raise my blood sugar a wee bit, and quietly read my book and unpack my room. 

But I'll think, in the back of my mind, that I don't like this.  That it stings more than a little when a day without a pill, and suddenly I'm weeping over a knitting book.  I will wonder how bad it is, without the medication, how lost I'd feel without that stabilizing.

It won't really matter.  I like the way I feel.  I like that I can see a task through.  I like that meeting new people doesn't make me cringe and retreat.  I like that I am not afraid to go out in public anymore.  I guess it's an even trade-off.
Hey, I know I've been kind of crap about keeping up with people for the past few months.  I'm sorry.  It has nothing to do with any of you, and everything to do with having hated my previous job, and having been in the midst of a fairly forceful bout of anxiety disorder.  So, if I let something slip through the cracks, or didn't call you, or sounded weird in an email, sorry.  When I'm not quiet in the head, I have a very, very hard time being around most people, no matter how much I like them.  It leaves me feeling fragile and tired, and I kind of needed my energy.
an_sceal: (Ha fucking ha)
When I asked during my interview if I had insurance, I assumed (you see the trouble now, don't you?) that they meant I had everything. I have health, dental, vision...but I don't have any freaking prescription coverage.

And I just started on a brand new phsychiatric drug, one that's working pretty well, with minimal side effects. My samples run out in a few days. When I see the doctor today, she might up the dosage.

30 capsules are over $100 dollars.


Being crazy is so -expensive-.
I know I've said it before and that I'm just whining now, but this anxiety thing is really toxic. And I made the wrong choice, and I know it, and I hate that.

So yeah. Not so much for the public consumption this evening.
Today will be shiny, by gods, if I have to find a halogen light and cram it up my ass.

Those of you who just actually considered the logistics of that, you are perverts.

Mah PEEPS! I luff you!

I feel like my life has been drifting ever since I left McLean. I don't know how to change that. I get to the end of the week and think "Wait. What the hell was -that-?"

The fact that I can document how disconnected and anxious I feel isn't making me happy. In fact, it's making me consider talking to a therapist again, except that, honest to gods, I am HAPPY. Everyone has different moods, and I've been in that depression place, and I am NOT there. I'm not deluding myself- I am simply NOT there. I'm not manic. I just seem to be on an extended break from people who I find hard to deal with, which happens to include much of the rest of the world.

The anxiety is the part that really worries me the most, because conflict with others seems to spark it, and I know that's a big factor in social anxiety. (I mean, duh.) I'm sure that's what I'm dealing with. I'm also certain that I won't take Paxil, Wellbutrin, or Prozac. Frankly, I'd rather pop a Xanax once in awhile than take something all the time, even with my narcotic phobia.

I don't know what to do. I don't like feeling disconnected, but connecting involves other people, and that makes the desire to hide much stronger. At least I'm fairly sure that this is a chemical issue rather than a mental anguish alert, and can proceed from that point.
Oh crap.

I know I have my own life, and I made reservations for Paris a LONG time before I told my Mom I'd try to be in Phoenix for Thanksgiving, but I still feel bad. I don't think I'm going to get there. The cheapest fare I can find within the days I can do it is almost $500 now, and that's IF someone is willing to drive me to BWI -on- Thanksgiving, and pick me up the following Sunday night (or Monday morning at 9 am, according to the cheap-o flights I can find). Or I can leave my car in long term parking.

I think I'm going to have to let this one go. Maybe I'll find a long weekend in the spring sometime and go then. (And my nephew will be almost 2 by then. Awesome. Wow do I suck.) It's a lot of money right before I go on a vacation I've already planned. I feel bad disappointing my Gramma though, and not getting to meet Connor.

Of course, I also feel bad that my Dad is in Vegas, and I haven't seen him in 8 years, and have no current plans to do so.

Living across the country from your family SOUNDS like a good idea, but then there's The Visiting.

Last night I had a dream where I put a dropper of Rescue Remedy under my tongue, except that the dropper turned to a huge syringe (the kind I use to handpaint my roving), and I was choking on the stuff and spitting it out. And that's when I noticed that it was actually blood.

Y'think it means anything? *snort*

December 2015



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