[personal profile] an_sceal
Overtime, like my heart is putting in extra hours so it can take a vacation, so it can prove itself to the boss. I don't even know. Music used to make me happy, but now it just makes me feel like I've never done anything, never will do anything that moves on its own, stumbling through the world without my constant nudges.

It's so soon, too soon to panic, but it seems like panic is all I do. Like the only safe place is a hole filled with a thousand different iterations of someone else's life. In them, the dark is where everything happens, where everything comes together and falls apart and rebuilds into a glorious conclusion. Where the characters find their power and pull it deep into their bones and remake themselves.

But the dark is really just cold and alone, and there's no power in it. There's nothing uplifting about the constant edge of raw panic under every rib, squeezing and distorting the shapes of my dreams into nightmares where I can't breathe, and it doesn't matter anyway.

In the stories, in myth, you steal power you don't have from someone else. There are no sense-memory folk tales about witches who steal power from themselves. It's a pity, that. I could use an instruction manual.

Date: 2012-11-16 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] debmats.livejournal.com
Thinking of you.
Shoulder, ears and whatever else you need are available.

*hugs*

Date: 2012-11-16 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-sceal.livejournal.com
Thank you. *hug* Just muddling through and trying to breathe.

Date: 2012-11-16 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilacfairy.livejournal.com
[[HUG]] Sounds scary. [[[more HUGS]]

Date: 2012-11-16 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-sceal.livejournal.com
It's kind of crippling and terrifying, and yet, one of those situations where you berate yourself, because you're "fine".

Date: 2012-11-16 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lilacfairy.livejournal.com
depends on how you define "fine". When I feel snarled - like yarn in a big tangled mess I go out and have a good long stomp. I walk fast and hit the pavement hard. Let my mind wander over all the knots. Like a temper tantrum with exercise and fresh air. Doesn't change anything, just clears out the some of the mental dust. If you need to vent coxlee57@gmail.com

Date: 2012-11-17 01:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-sceal.livejournal.com
That's probably a good idea. *grin* And thank you. I might take you up on it.

Date: 2012-11-18 06:23 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-11-19 01:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-sceal.livejournal.com
Thanks. :)

Date: 2012-11-26 03:33 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-11-26 03:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] an-sceal.livejournal.com
Thanks. *hug*

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